You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
