so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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