i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize