I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
