In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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