fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
