And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
