Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
