My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
