I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
