Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
