If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize