Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
