Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
