You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
