Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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