I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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