Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
