...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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