For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
