My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
