i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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