I think I died a long time ago.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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