I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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