I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
