how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
