Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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