Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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