The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
