The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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