If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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