I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
