Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
