Where did you get a picture of my penis
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
