I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
