my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
