sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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