I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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