Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
