my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
and eventually we just all took our pants off
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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