then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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