i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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