I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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