Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
