Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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