eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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