Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
