The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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