My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
