i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize