This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
