I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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