Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
