He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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