I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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