I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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