i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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