I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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