every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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