I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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