even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
